How to Write a Letter to Your Surrogate Mother

By The Egg Donor & Surrogacy Program on January 19, 2018

Dear Surrogate Mother

Part of the process of matching with and being chosen by a Surrogate Mother involves writing a “Dear Surrogate” letter.  This is a great tool in the matching process to introduce yourself to the surrogate and her family and help her get a feel for you who you are and what your lifestyle is like.

It may seem awkward to write such an intimate letter to a stranger but you will be sharing many other profound and personal moments during your journey and this letter is the first impression you will make upon the woman who may help you build your family.  You may even be writing this letter for your child who can read it later when (s)he is grown.

The most compelling “Dear Surrogate” letters come from the heart. Here are some helpful hints which can give you a foundation for your message.

  1. Start by saying thank you. It sounds very simple but it is surprising how many people forget to do this, and words of gratitude are always an appropriate beginning and ending to the letter.
  2. You may then want to tell the Surrogate Mother why you want to become parents, and give her a bit of history about your struggles on your path to parenthood. It is important to balance being honest and heartfelt with avoiding too many details which could be overwhelming or sounding too despondent. Let her know that with her help you will have hope back in your life.
  3. It is also nice to give her a feel for yourselves: your relationship, your work, your family, how you met, and interesting pastimes/hobbies. Once I had a lovely note from a couple where they described each other: “Pat by Tom” and “Tom by Pat”.  You may not want to disclose any confidential or identifying information until you are matched. In the age of technology it is important to be cautious with identifiable details. You can use your first names but omit last names.
  4. It is also nice to address what kind of relationship or support the surrogate can expect from you, how often you can visit, and how you would communicate. The most enjoyable surrogacy journeys are built on positive communication.
  5. As important as words can be, the photos Recipient Parents send are also very connective. Please talk about your pets, if applicable, and include photos.  If you have wedding pictures, pictures of your extended family, vacations, your home, etc. the surrogate and her family will love these.
  6. There is no minimum or maximum length for the letter, the most important criteria is that it is sincere and written from the heart. Some people put a lot of effort into these letters and get very creative.  I have seen scrapbooks, binders, even videos with music.
Your “Dear Surrogate” letters and photos are an exciting way to start the wonderful journey ahead to make your dream of parenthood a reality.

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